If I Knew

If I knew

If I knew it was going to be good-bye,

I would have strummed a little longer

So I could hear the beating of your drum

behind me, creating a solid sound of strength.

If I knew it was going to be good-bye

I would have squeezed your hand a little tighter

As we sat on the bench, listening to the night

Music.

If I knew it was going to be good-bye

I would have looked into your eyes a little longer

And kissed your eyelids while you slept.

If I knew it was going to be good-bye,

I would have rested my foot on top of yours

As we ate our bacon biscuits at The Grill.

And I would have leaned over the large booth twice,

Instead of once, to steal a kiss.

If I knew it was going to be good-bye

I would have rested my head on your chest

And listened more intently, to the beating of your heart,

To soothe the strain of my sorrow.

If I knew it was going to be good-bye,

I would have asked you to play another song

On my scalp with your finger tips

Enjoying your thumb tap the rhythm of the bass.

If I knew it was going to be good-bye

I would not have let you walk away

Without looking in your eyes and telling you

How I feel, while touching your cheeks.

I would have told you that you have had my heart for

Nearly 30 years, and that 
no time, 
nor space, 
nor miracle, 
nor tragedy

Would change that.

And I would have told you that hanging on to you

At this point, seems like it is eating away at our hearts.

Wanting something so bad, that I feel at times,

Like I need to walk across a frozen sea to show you

How much I love you.

But knowing, also, that you are still stuck some place

That is too far away from me.

Your heart is still locked away from me

And that no matter what I say, or do,

That in the end, it is simply up to you.


If I knew it was going to be good-bye

I think I might have pounded your chest

And cried like I am crying right now.

So that you would know

That I feel like I will never find

Another person

On this planet

That feels like

He is already

A part of

Me.

Now I know that it was good-bye

And I am trying not to regret the things

We said, but more so, I’m trying not to

Regret what I didn’t say.

But it is hard.

I know that if I want something

Inordinately, it is a sign that

There is something within me

that is discontent.

And I accept that.

Because it is true.

I am discontent being disconnected

From the love of my life.

I am lonely without you.

I ache without you.

Because I know that

The music is more melodic

The colors are more vibrant

The scents are more inviting

The tastes are richer

The air is lighter

When I am with you.

I Have a life, full and rich,

But I know that it is meant to be

Shared.

And I want to share it

with you.

And that the truth is,

Right now

I feel like

Something inside

Of me has died.

And I must grieve

The loss

Of

You.

Because

The truth is,

Maybe

we won't find

our way back

together

again.

Maybe

You are comfortable

enough with

your life

just the

way it is.

Maybe

I misunderstood

what you wanted.

Maybe

you aren't

in as much

pain

as I was.

Maybe

You don't have

the same needs

that I have.

Or Maybe

You don't

Feel

The same way

About me

That I

Feel

About

You.

Time

will

tell.

Till then.

I simply

bleed

while

I breathe.