The Ranch

 I'd like to go somewhere

And discover myself

I'll drive you

I'll help you pack

It was a short drive that seemed to last a month

His playlist, his life

Sister in the backseat, like a supportive backbrace

Helping to hold you up till you could collapse

And feel what you needed to feel

To cry the tears you couldn't cry then

For the first time, I know that my hugs and kisses

won't help

I place you in the hands of others

And I find peace because I know you are walking on your path

Your journey, to find your place in life

Thank you Tim

Dear Tim,

My heart is overflowing with gratitude for you
What you give me
yourself
Your endless patience, kindness, generosity
You didn't know what this would be
Yet, you said yes.
Your quiet strength and anchor
Helps me to keep steady on the path
That God laid out for me
You forgive me so easily
And coax me out of my shell
When I get scared
You hold me when I cry
And laugh with me when I chuckle

I am free now
Free to love you
Free to be your mate
Because the heavy weights are slowing sliding
off my shoulders
Your hands point me to the place
Where I need to lay my burdens down
You show me how to carry them to another place
You place wings on my burdens with your wisdom

I am so deeply grateful for your love

My Mother's Mixer

 My mother’s Mixer

Plop in the butter

Mash the bananas

Add sugar and honey

I pick up the mixer

Golden and brown

I watch the beaters

Go round and round

Spinning it all together

Weaving the pieces of life together

Memories of her standing in the kitchen

Making magic with the mixer

Liquid sweetness goes in the oven

Soft, moist, warm goodness comes out

Flour on the elbows, spoon in her hand

“Do you wanna clean the bowl?”

Better than gold, or diamonds

The spoon and bowl passing from her hands to mine

The greatest gift from her to me

If love can be baked, then I was loved.

She was quiet in the kitchen

Alone with her thoughts

Which I now see, must have been like a fairy tale for her.

A small electric mixer, eggs, milk, sugar and flour

In her pantry every day

Gave her comfort and peace

Her quiet, poise and gratitude

As she baked

Showed me that the ground we walk on

Is most beautiful, when covered with specs

Of spilled flour, and droplets of milk

Because that is evidence that we are using the gifts

God gives us.

going going gone

It's time for the cap and gown


Fuzzy little  head, nestled in my arms
Next to my heart
Such a sweet smell

My thoughts are simply about
keeping him safe, warm, dry and healthy
Wrapping him in a soft blanket
Looking at the tiny finger nails
Still soft from being in liquid
Every part of him is pink
And looks delicate

But I know from having his 2 older sisters
That babies are tougher than they appear

I'm glad I know this, because on our first day home
He scoots himself off our bed
"Thud" I ran to my bedroom
And there he lay
Not making a sound

My heart sank, I thought for sure
something would be broken
Nope, the only thing broken
was my pride

Two days ago he drives over
So he can get his eyes checked
For a new pair of glasses
He comes in the door
Still wearing his work uniform
In a red shirt and blue jeans

He looks taller
And I feel smaller

As I walk this morning
Just after he pulls out of the driveway
I try to think of what a song
would sound like
That expressed how I was feeling

He's going, he's going, he's gone
And I wouldn't have it any other way
He sits on the edge of the nest
And I am nudging him from the soft inside
of the lovely nest
That I made with scraps of flannels
Discarded threads
Pieces of worn blankets
Passed on to me, by my mother

Now, I point to the outside rim
Of the nest
And I tell him to stand up straight
And point his face to the wind
And look at the beautiful blue sky
And the white billowy clouds

So he can jump, and soar in the wind
I look at my baby bird
Who is actually a large male
Taller, and stronger than his mother
Yet needs a little more mothering
Before he takes flight

I will whisper in his ear for a few more weeks
And he will know that I love him
I will pray for him
And I will exhale really hard to create an up draft
As he leans out farther and farther
To carry him on his journey

The nest is almost empty
And I am sad and glad
And proud and eager
But mostly, I am grateful
For this son, that God sent me


He's going, he's going, he's gone

Go Gather Some Firewood

Go Gather Some Firewood

“Go gather some firewood”

I walk into the nearby woods, crunching leaves under my feet 

Looking for sticks

All sizes

Little ones will burn fast and are easy to carry

Medium sized ones will keep the fire going, 

They are fun to spin around like a baton

With coals on the end, we make our own fire show 

Large ones, heavy , so I drag with two hands, making a path in the leaves

The dusk is upon us, and our pile of sticks has grown

We build the fire, squatting, I make a tent like structure

crumble newspaper and light it up

Soon the darkness comes, along with cooler air.

No matter that it is July.

It’s cool.

I find a sweatshirt to put on, and long pants

Back outside, I’m so excited to sit on a log and watch the fire burn

It makes me feel so accomplished

Morning in the creek with cold water, and rocks

Afternoon in the little graveyard

Or a walk to the larger creek.

No agenda

“Let's walk to the bridge.”

Just to see what we can see.

To smell the dirt road, and see the trees

In every season

With green leaves, with colorful ones, or with none at all

“Lets walk to the bridge.”

Along the way, we pick up sticks.

Or stop at the little white church, where the door is always open

We imagine what happens inside, when people are there

I do cartwheels down the aisle, because it is a nice wood floor

We take turns giving speeches at the podium

When we tire of this activity

We continue on the journey

“To the bridge”

We pass by

The Three Bears house

And look for the bear tracks

“None this time.” I say

We get to the bridge

And throw sticks in to watch them go under one side

And come out the other

We go to the water’s edge and look at the rocks

Someone throws a big rock in, to watch it splash

We get wet, and we squeal, not because we are surprised, 

But because the water is so cold.

I start wading in, just to see how long I can stand it

I feel my tennis shoes fill with water

My toes start to go numb but I walk halfway across the creek

It gets deep, almost up to my knees

“I’m going across.” For no other reason than just to see if I can do it.

A self-challenge

Others join me.

We get to the other side, wet and cold

We sit on the bank in the sun

And watch the water sparkle

The colorful rocks at the edge and the patch of silt call to me

I get a small stick and write my name in the sand

I want to leave a part of me there, beside the rocks and the clear water

But the sun is starting to set

And I feel a hunger pain

And a cool breeze comes down the mountain

Telling us it's time to head back

Back to the cabin to eat something tasty that my mom has been cooking

Beef stew, or fried trout my father has caught with Pepa

The food tastes so good.

And the table, so long and shiny, gives me a feeling of home that I don’t feel anywhere else

“Go gather some firewood”

We head outside for the closing event of the day

Thank you Dad

For these memories

For giving us a piece of mother earth

And joy and peace

That I carry with me today

And always.