I'm up at 5:30 am, reading another chapter of Eat, Pray Love, and I'm not worried about myself, or anyone else. Strange. Yes. This is strange for me. If I'm up at 5:30 am, ANYDAY, then it's because I'm worried. I don't usually know what I'm worried about, I just get that feeling that somebody, somewhere, is in danger. Like, a bear is about to eat them, they are pinned against a tree. Or they are on a boat, sound asleep, and it's sinking. And, while I don't fear death, I do think that drowning would be the worst way to go. Maybe because I love to swim so much, and have found peace, in very large amounts, while underwater.
It's been 46 days since the atom bomb blue up in my lap, so this being able to enjoy a 5:30 am moment, is a miracle. I realized I just typed the word 'blue' instead of 'blew," but i think the color is more accurate. I've been in a bucket of blue for some time now. Not just 46 days, off and on, pretty much for the past couple of years.
A pending custody case had me in a holding pattern. That's over now. And I'm handling the fall-out.
One thing I experienced last night was this---I curled up on my new chaise lounge, ivory, with plum colored pillows and a matching throw that's softer than a chincilla, ready to read the next chapter in Eat, Pray, Love, and felt my eyelids getting heavy. Sitting a few feet away was my son, who was getting a video cued up, a dance group called, "Remote Control" appeared on the screen. Three men, spray-painted gold, in their 3 piece suits, began moving to electronic music. They jerked to the beat of the music, moving their bodies like robots, or better yet, like action figures, with joints that will go in ANY direction. The kind that adults and kids alike will put in unnatural poses, and then laugh at the hideousness hilarity a deformity. Like a fat warrior who can put his sword up his ass, while his shield is stuck between his legs, bent over backwards, with his head cocked to the side. On a relateable note-And that is exactly how I have felt for the past couple of years. Just because I can twist into a strange position, doesn't make it good.
So, we're watching this video together, my daughter joins us, and I am amazed. These aren't just good dancers, they are quintessentially in charge of their bodies. It's beautiful to watch such mastery. After each move, I utter, "Oh my God, that's amazing! Look at his legs! That's CRAZY!" My son responds after about my fifteenth, expression, "I know, I know..." He sounds a bit irritated at my repititious glee, so I become quiet. I guess he wants me to watch in silence. That's hard for me...I like to say what I'm thinking. After a few minutes pass, "Mom, what do you think?"
"Well, I think they are amazing, I'm being quiet now though, because you said, "I know, I know...mom" and it sounded like you were irritated with my constant comments."
"Oh, I"m sorry. You can tell me what you think. Which one is your favorite?"
The guy on the right had just done a solo. He was really good. "I like this guy on the right."
"Just wait mom, The guy on the left is better. You'll see."
He was right, the guy on the left did some freaky things, he looked like he was suspending himself on one leg, above the ground, and then getting electrocuted. Not that electrocution is something you wanna see. But that is the only thing I can think of to express what it looked like. The guy vibrated his hands and arms. And he was gold, and electrical music was playing.....
Next, I wanted to see what the guys really looked like. (They had been wearing masks.)
So, google images search took care of the mystery.
After that, I slid back on my chaise lounge to read, while brother and sister began watching silly videos. I thought I should get up and take my sleep medication, but I was too sleepy to get up. "Well, when I wake up, unable to sleep, I'll take it." I thought.
An hour or so later, loud music blared, not sure how much time had passed, I simply asked, "Could you turn it down a little?"
It felt like 3 hours, but it had only been about 20 minutes. The deep slumber I had last night was marvelous. I did wake up a few times, feeling a little too warm, but was able to go back to sleep, fairly well. I had one pretty bad dream, but compared to the ones I've had over the past two years, it was mild, and didn't keep me awake.
I've found myself writing in my head a whole lot the past couple of weeks. I think of a simple line to start out with, something that encompasses what is going on in my life, but I haven't had the courage or desire to see my own thoughts on the paper.
This morning, though, I feel a breakthrough.
I realized that I sleep best when I know my children are safe.
That is why I didn't need any sleep medicine last night.
I had been told that they are suffering from serious mental and psychological abuse by their father. Several experts have detailed this to me. And it's on-going.
What I am witnessing is that my children are strong, resilient, and are going through this very difficult chapter of their lives, together. TOGETHER.
It's nearly a repeat of my adolesence. The middle child, the peace-maker, was the last to leave my home...and she's not going for herself, she's going to try and please someone else. I so understand this motivation and action.
I feel for her, but I know that she had to find her own voice, just as I found mine. Walking through tough terrain makes tough feet, and builds muscle.
It's been 46 days since the atom bomb blue up in my lap, so this being able to enjoy a 5:30 am moment, is a miracle. I realized I just typed the word 'blue' instead of 'blew," but i think the color is more accurate. I've been in a bucket of blue for some time now. Not just 46 days, off and on, pretty much for the past couple of years.
A pending custody case had me in a holding pattern. That's over now. And I'm handling the fall-out.
One thing I experienced last night was this---I curled up on my new chaise lounge, ivory, with plum colored pillows and a matching throw that's softer than a chincilla, ready to read the next chapter in Eat, Pray, Love, and felt my eyelids getting heavy. Sitting a few feet away was my son, who was getting a video cued up, a dance group called, "Remote Control" appeared on the screen. Three men, spray-painted gold, in their 3 piece suits, began moving to electronic music. They jerked to the beat of the music, moving their bodies like robots, or better yet, like action figures, with joints that will go in ANY direction. The kind that adults and kids alike will put in unnatural poses, and then laugh at the hideousness hilarity a deformity. Like a fat warrior who can put his sword up his ass, while his shield is stuck between his legs, bent over backwards, with his head cocked to the side. On a relateable note-And that is exactly how I have felt for the past couple of years. Just because I can twist into a strange position, doesn't make it good.
So, we're watching this video together, my daughter joins us, and I am amazed. These aren't just good dancers, they are quintessentially in charge of their bodies. It's beautiful to watch such mastery. After each move, I utter, "Oh my God, that's amazing! Look at his legs! That's CRAZY!" My son responds after about my fifteenth, expression, "I know, I know..." He sounds a bit irritated at my repititious glee, so I become quiet. I guess he wants me to watch in silence. That's hard for me...I like to say what I'm thinking. After a few minutes pass, "Mom, what do you think?"
"Well, I think they are amazing, I'm being quiet now though, because you said, "I know, I know...mom" and it sounded like you were irritated with my constant comments."
"Oh, I"m sorry. You can tell me what you think. Which one is your favorite?"
The guy on the right had just done a solo. He was really good. "I like this guy on the right."
"Just wait mom, The guy on the left is better. You'll see."
He was right, the guy on the left did some freaky things, he looked like he was suspending himself on one leg, above the ground, and then getting electrocuted. Not that electrocution is something you wanna see. But that is the only thing I can think of to express what it looked like. The guy vibrated his hands and arms. And he was gold, and electrical music was playing.....
Next, I wanted to see what the guys really looked like. (They had been wearing masks.)
So, google images search took care of the mystery.
After that, I slid back on my chaise lounge to read, while brother and sister began watching silly videos. I thought I should get up and take my sleep medication, but I was too sleepy to get up. "Well, when I wake up, unable to sleep, I'll take it." I thought.
An hour or so later, loud music blared, not sure how much time had passed, I simply asked, "Could you turn it down a little?"
It felt like 3 hours, but it had only been about 20 minutes. The deep slumber I had last night was marvelous. I did wake up a few times, feeling a little too warm, but was able to go back to sleep, fairly well. I had one pretty bad dream, but compared to the ones I've had over the past two years, it was mild, and didn't keep me awake.
I've found myself writing in my head a whole lot the past couple of weeks. I think of a simple line to start out with, something that encompasses what is going on in my life, but I haven't had the courage or desire to see my own thoughts on the paper.
This morning, though, I feel a breakthrough.
I realized that I sleep best when I know my children are safe.
That is why I didn't need any sleep medicine last night.
I had been told that they are suffering from serious mental and psychological abuse by their father. Several experts have detailed this to me. And it's on-going.
What I am witnessing is that my children are strong, resilient, and are going through this very difficult chapter of their lives, together. TOGETHER.
It's nearly a repeat of my adolesence. The middle child, the peace-maker, was the last to leave my home...and she's not going for herself, she's going to try and please someone else. I so understand this motivation and action.
I feel for her, but I know that she had to find her own voice, just as I found mine. Walking through tough terrain makes tough feet, and builds muscle.
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