"Everything is temporary." This is a thought I cling to these days. I haven't written in several months. I write in my head, composing all types of essays about my life, and the emotions that rush through my veins and heart and make my fingertips tingle. Loss. That is what I have faced over and over and over and over this year. Loss. Just one loss. Followed by another. Not a greater loss. Just another one. A motorcycle crash. A suicide. And elderly woman's light finally fades out. My son leaves to go live with his dad. Then, a brutal beating, rape and murder of a 9 year old girl, who's older brother is my student. Some days my  heart feels like it is in a vice grip, twisting, turning, trying to escape the chest that contains it.  I listen to the same songs over and over again. Usher's "Numb." For a while, I think I"m listening to it because I like the  melody. After about the 7th viewing, I realize the images in the video reflect my year. Then, I hear myself singing the lyrics, and they touch a part of me that even I don't know exists. Numb. Is he telling me that I need to become numb to things that hurt me? The line about " I only trust in the things I feel, some may say that is strange. You better recognize what is real, because forever is a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. Somethings never change, here we go again. Feel like I'm losing my mind, shake it off, let it go, I don't care anymore, just go numb." I have wanted to be numb. Then, I realized that part of me was numb. And I was glad, because that was what needed to happen. My evenings are long now. Interacting with one child instead of two or three, is not a change, it is an explosion of space. First I imploded. Everything I thought I was shifted. I'm not herding, or prodding, or coaching, or pushing or pulling, or stopping, or lifting like I used to. I can let my arms get weaker, that is what is supposed to happen now. The focus on the lens changed, I moved around to get clearer picture, but it stayed fuzzy. Parts of the picture are still out of focus, and I'm okay with a blurry picture right now.  The small part I see is this: Everything is important. I have recognized what is real, because now is forever, and forever is a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time.