changes

Things pulling and pushing
My head feeling like a hammer is knocking on it
gently
So that things will break apart
I've been driving, moving, stacking, running,
sleeping, praying, crying, laughing
hurting, holding, praying, sighing, wondering
hoping, laying, looking, scanning, wandering
sitting, standing, reading, working, longing,
and now I sit in the quiet room.
In front of this screen.
with a sad heart.
In five days, i will be taking apart my old life
and putting it in boxes
and loading it on a truck
To move into my new life
When I touch some of the items,
I'm certain that many of them will crumble under my hand
Others, will feel like a cold stone, heavy and cumbersome
Behind the curtains, what will there be?
A small babydoll with a missing eye
A toy truck with only 3 wheels

The life I tried to fix, before my kids grew up.
Always running around hoping to stay ahead of them
by a step or two.

Now I sit in the quiet, pondering the bird chirping outside  my door.
What is he saying to me?
I think I will go listen to him.

Maybe he will tell me what I need to do next.

Roller Coaster of Justice

The rollercoaster of justice
curves that press my face against and unseen force
Then, as the train slowly climbs,
with sounds of metal wheels clicking
rapidly, then slowly
click, click, click
At the top, a brief rest
Looking out over the landscape
I see the whole picture
It is lovely
Green trees, patchwork pieces of land
Small serene lakes
I inhale and feel my lungs expand
with life.
A jerk backwards, my neck thrown a little too far
past the point of comfort
A slight twinge of pain
Before the plummeting
pressure of pain
whips through my being.
A complete blur
I grab the metal sides
of the train
and open my mouth
for a silent scream

plumbers

It seems that water creates most of the maintenance issues in my home. I'd much rather it be water than electricity.
Plumbers for the most part, are nice people.
I mean, who can stay on their knees for their work, and not be humble?
Really, it's like they are in a state of prayer.
And what are they dealing with? Water
Water is a symbol for life.
How can you work with water all day
and not think of the most basic element to all of the life
on planet earth?
I think it would be impossible.
Do plumbers get thirsty?
Do plumbers by bottled water?
Do plumbers get a rush when they turn the valves
and feel the vibration of water coursing through
the veins of a home?
I'm guessing they do.
And I think that is why
I like plumbers.

A stake through my heart.
I tap it gently, a little every day
Making sure the edges are sealed

Then I trip, bump into a picture
or a coach, or a tennis shoe,
or a baseball laying in my yard

A basketball, flat on one side
and a blade of grass blowing in front of it.
The wind blows the blade of grass
and I turn my back to the breeze
So I won't see the waving on the grass
Like the waving of hand
which I thought was a temporary farewell

If I had known it would be forever
I would have held on just a little tighter
and a little longer

I may have ended up with torn lightaments in my elbows
and shoulders
As they pried you away from me
But atleast I could have slept
that night, and all the others that follow

When I wake up at 3 am now,
my heart racing
I jump, alert
And want to run to to your room
to see you sleeping peacefully

But I only get up
and walk by your door
Knowing that it is just for storage
of other people's things
And my heart
broken
lying all over the room

And I tap the stake in my heart while I wander back to bed
And I pray that you are sleeping with the angels
Because they aren't in my house anymore
They left with you
And I am left with the shell of a house
That used to be our home

And I don't want to be here anymore.
This place is simply a container
of grief, and loss, and tears of a thousand years
and a hundred sleepless nights

Flu

At 51, the flu knocked me down, like a freight train. I've been sick a week, 7 days. And it feels like forever. Depression is bearing down on me, too. I wonder will I ever feel like myself again.

Saint Augustine

I watched a movie about Saint Augustine. Two parts. A total of 3 hours. His ambition, his talents, gave him worldly pleasures. Yet, something gnawed at him. Was it his mother's continual prayers for her son? He, so strongly against The Church that worshipped Jesus, fought against their right even to exist. Amazing transformation, when he found himself unable to argue for the Emperor. His heart, touched by the simple faith, ached for more. His knowledge, deep, and thorough, couldn't give him peace.

He turned towards truth, and truth found him.

I think that is all we have to do.

Just turn and look at the truth.

Then truth finds us.

And we have peace.

Dreams Fulfilled

Dreams Fulfilled

Clear blue sky

What is beyond the blue?

The clouds, small fluffs, transparent 

gliding in the wind.

What carries them?

The ground we stand on

Planning our future

Aging twisted trees, with small new stems

ready to produce sweetness

decorate our horizon

Behind us

A small dip in the land

once held a lake

where we stood

Hand in hand

And you said to me

"One day, I  will put a house here."

Such a peaceful day that was

What has carried us from that point 

to this one?

Like the wind carries the clouds

God's hand, on our shoulder

We float, freely, allowing 

the invisible force to guide us.

My heart cannot contain the joy

I feel.

We both weep, and kneel, and thank

God for his love.

Invisible to the eye.

but visible to the heart.