It's All Okay

The fight is over.
I accept it all.
Everything.
I sigh and my eyelids feel like weights are pulling them down.
Down, down, down.
I melt into the truth
That I wanted it to be different.
I wanted him to be different.
Different from what he was, or what I thought he was.
I let go of the dream.
And what remains is a few solid
moments of joy.
The pain floats down the stream.
I wave good-bye to the anger,
the bitterness.
We did the best we could.
And now I must hold on to the truth.
The truth of who we both are.
Just human beings, living
on this planet.
Born with little more than a
few instincts to preserve ourselves.
To run, and eat and sleep
and occassionally laugh and weep.
I've wept and slept.
Now it's time to laugh.
and open the door to a new life.
I run through the door, with arms stretched
out wide towards the sun and the big oak tree
because it's all okay.

New Car

The sun was setting, but I knew I needed to get a new part for my car before it was dark. My children and I piled into our 15 year old, worn out,  compact Chevy. We drove along winding roads before climbing a final hill to arrive at the auto parts store. There were only a few cars in the parking lot, and I sighed with relief when I saw the store lights were still on. Just before I got out of the car, I realized I wasn't in my parking space; I was straddling the line.  So, I re-started the car, and as I slid the gear into reverse there was an awful grinding sound, like sandpaper and bricks rubbing together. Although it felt futile, I tapped the gas pedal hoping the car would move. It didn't. I put it in drive, inhaled deeply, and tapped the pedal again, hoping that the only problem was the 'reverse' gear. The engine revved but my car sat frozen, like a forgotten piece of furniture in and old shed. My shoulders dropped as I exhaled.

"This is not good. I'm going to need a new transmission. Oh my God, how am I going to afford that?" I said to no one in particular. I got out of the car, feeling defeated and overwhelmed.

I headed into the auto parts store, glad I wasn't alone.There was a woman at the counter and I explained that my car had just 'died' in her parking lot. "I'm going to need to call a wrecker and a friend. I'll be in the market for a new transmission, too." She nodded and walked away.

"Ill be right back. I need to check on my children." I said. I went back outside where the dark blue sky had changed to a deep purple on one side, and black on the other. My children sat in the car with someone parked right beside the store. I saw that they were safe. Just then, an old pick up truck pulled up beside me and two long-haired men got out. They appeared old and weathered, yet they moved with ease like younger men. They reached into their back seat and  pulled out what looked to be guitar cases and amplifiers. It was now pitch dark, the only light was coming from inside the parts store. The men then walked to another truck, that was parked alongside the one they just got out of, and began loading their equipment into the backseat of this truck.

I said, "Excuse me, could you help me with my car? It's not working. Let me show you what it's doing."
One of the men nodded and said, "Okay."
I walked back to my car, opened the door and got in. I put the key in and it started very smoothly. I put it in reverse, and the car moved. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I looked around and saw that I was not in my car. Everything was new and clean. It smelled wonderful. I put the car in park, turned it off and hopped out.

I walked back over to the two men, "Hey, My car is gone. Someone must have taken it. Weird. My key fit that car, and it is parked where my car was."

The man looked at me and said, "That's your car." very matter-of-factly.
"No, that's not mine. Mine is old and broken."
"Ma'am, if the key fit, then it's your car."
"What are you talking about?"
"Just get in your car and drive, I will explain it to you." I assumed he was going to get in the car with me, on the passenger side. I never looked to see if he was there, I was that certain he would be there. I continued talking to him as I pulled out of the parking lot and began driving home.
"This does not make any sense. I don't understand why you are saying this is my car. Mine is old and broken."
"Someone gave you a new car a long time ago. But you gave it back." The man said. I looked beside me, but he was not there. I didn't have any sense of fear, just curiosity.
"Hey, where are you?"
"I'm in the truck behind you." I glanced at my rear view mirror and saw him and his friend driving the old pick-up.
"How can I hear you, then?"
"It's a special connection. Don't freak out. Just keep talking to me. I hear every word you are saying. And see, you can hear me just fine. It's a clear connection, huh?"
"Yes. Very clear." I paused and then added. " This is awfully strange. So, where did this car come from?"
"It's yours. It is your car. Someone gave it to you a long time ago, don't you remember? But you gave it back to them. They are giving it to you again. It's yours. Keep it this time."
I smiled, remembering the new car from years ago. I tried to remember why I gave it back, but nothing clear came to mind.
I drove on for a few miles, looking in my rear view mirror, every now and then, at the long-haired musician and his buddy in the pick-up truck. A strong feeling of security descended over me knowing that he was right behind me. I studied my new car, relaxed into the new leather seat, and appreciated the strong high beam lights that lit up the dark, curvy mountain road.

Moving On

Letting go of 'what could have been'
by accepting that it was supposed to be
exactly the way it was
Created a space in me
for something new

Instead of fighting a battle with my memories

and grieving over

lost wishes and dreams,

Ones that I thought were dead forever,
I place myself in a new world
finding a purpose in the pain.

Letting go of people, no longer wishing they
were different than they are,
and seeing that my purpose is

to simply embrace the unembraceable.

Because when I wrap my arms around it,

I begin to see how this was meant to be.

I see my own imperfections.

And feel a sense of relief in knowing

that I don't have to have all the answers.

I just have to do what is right.

Even if no one else agrees with me.

Sleeping, all night, without a moment of

worry, is about the most precious gift

I have been given.

My children are not my own.

They are simply on loan, for a little while.

I pour all I can into them, then I must let go.

My ship is going somewhere new. I stop at

different ports.

What I thought was a ghosttown is lively

and rich with people and food and culture

I immerse myself in the life and bathe in the

wonderful springs, instead of wasting time

wishing it had all happened sooner.

Now is good enough for me.

Where I stand

Feeling whole, feeling small

And free and capable

All the big jobs in front of me

Seem small

How can it be?

With God at the center of it all

Relying on His power, and strength

Which I have confidence in

All that I must do…seems like a simple

Spoonful

The mountain in the distance

Well, I don’t even see it when I am holding God’s hand

I only see the green valley, and the butterflies

And crickets and the sun’s rays filtering through

The leaves on the giant oak by the creek.

I am able to stay in the moment, not look behind me

Or try to stretch my neck to see what’s on the

Other side.

I can stand, survey my surroundings, and see the beauty

Right where I am.

Listen to the sounds of the brook

Look into the water at the animal and plant life

That is so abundant

No longer obsessed with ‘getting’ up and over

The big gray rock.

I can even sit on the grass

And admire the little caterpillar that is so colorful

That is nearly under my feet.

My desire to actually stay where I am, increases, to admire

All the blessings in my vicinity, so abundant.

I am in awe and shocked that I was trying to get away

From what I thought was a ‘bad’ place.

It is actually a beautiful place,

A serene place.

But fear created clouds and shutters

that blocked out my ability to see all of this.

When I cling to man, and expect him to give me this peace,

Then it slips away.

When I hold on to eternal truths: God promises for a good life

God’s amazing power and grace, God’s desire to bless me

God’s unfailing love, God’s mercy, God’s perfect plan for me

God’s infinite wisdom, God’s bridge to mankind-making himself a man

In the name of Jesus, so that he could come to earth, that same man that

Created the whole universe, the earth and everything from the very beginning

When I can dwell on these truths---then abundant peace flows through my veins.
And the view from where I stand is beautiful.

Rest

The white room splashed with colors

Aqua blue, brilliant yellow, neon green

Images, bursting with life, splatter in my home.

I find myself cherishing the very tiny things that

Used to slip by. Unnoticed.

Voices creating a symphony with their simple sounds

Light snoring, gently sleeping beside me, an angel

At my feet, another angel, not ready to be alone

In his new ‘all boy’ room.

“Yes, you can lay here till you fall asleep.”

I promise to take him to his bed after he has fully embraced

‘dream world’

His long lean body, relaxed at my feet, head on pillow, chest rising and falling

With the quilt rolled up beside him.

Beside me, my little girl, curled up with her book.

Her warm back pressed on mine. I close my eyes, hear the pages turn.

Listen to her little sniffle and soft breathing.

The ceiling fan keeps the cool air moving. I try to stay awake, to be aware of the love God sent me, at my feet, and at my back.

But the lush surroundings take me to a green meadow, with a clear brook, small deer lapping up the crystal water. Birds chirruping to welcome the morning.

I lay in the green valley, sheltered by majestic gray mountains. Wind blows over my body, keeping it cool and refreshed.

Before I begin my walk beside the brook, I wake up. My son, slumbering at my feet, sighs heavily. I wake him with a whisper. “Come on. Let’s go get in your bed.”

He stands up, keeps his eyes closed, trusts me to walk him to his room.

I tuck him in, he rolls over and slides back to sleep.

I return to my room, my daughter is asleep with a book. The lamp is on.

I climb in bed, leave the lamp on, and rest.

The storm is over.

Rest.

What I Live For

What I Live For

Till they went away.

I thought I knew what got me up in the morning

And what helped me sleep at night.

Voices, talking, singing, arguing

“She won’t leave me alone!”

“What’s for dinner?”

Quiet moments that were a moment too short.

Now the quiet goes on and on and on.

Love, pouring it out on another

Gives me life,

More than I ever really knew or understood.

Spontaneous hugs

Bedtime prayers

Brushing hair

Shared meals

“Time to do your chores.”

“Can we play the Wii?”

I haven’t heard those in two weeks

And I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how.

All I want to do is hug them,

Pull them close and not let go,

Kiss their faces till they turn red,

Fall down into my bed tired…so tired that I don’t even

Realize that I”ve fallen asleep.

Tomorrow they’ll be home

For two short days.

Then I’ll say good-bye for another week

Of quiet.

Then it will be over for a while

Because they will come home

Vacation over, start back to life.

And I can rest in the chaos once again.

It's what I live for.

It's what I love for.

Shhh!

The highway noise

Blasting like dynamite

From all directions

Trucks crashing

Sirens blaring

Jack hammers pounding cement

Cover the cries

Of a small whisper

“Shhh!

Listen,

What’s that?”

The big lady

With cotton in her ears

Keeps talking

The unassuming woman

Waiting on a subway

Puts down the book she’s reading

And walks towards the staircase.

With certainty

She climbs towards the raging traffic.

 In the drainage ditch

A wet, shaking kitten

Mouths a voiceless meow.

She picks it up

Holds next to her heart and

 strokes its shivering body

With gentle hands.

“I heard you. It’s going to be okay.”