Motherness.
Warm, soft, mushy hugs.
Fine hair, gentle hands. Pouring out
love, like rich, heavy cream, onto a plate.
It drips off the edges and onto the
shiny red maplewood table.
I catch it with my hands, trying to get every drop.
I don't want to waste any of it.
I might even put my tongue right on the shiny
surface and lick it up,
like a cat.
I think its polite to introduce yourself
before you start telling people all about your life. So, I’m Anna Sue. When I
get older I wanna change my name to a single name. Sue. Double first names are
so common where I live. Plus, it makes me feel like a baby. When my mamma calls
me, she draws out the last part, “Anna Suuuu” which sounds too similar to my
brothers callin the pigs. “Souuuuuie.” I have two brothers, and they can be so,
hmm, How do I say this? Well, not so nice. They make fun of me for ev-ry-thing.
Like my knobby knees, my freckles, which cover my face, and my gangly arms.
“You look like a swan lake dancer.” Miss
Ellie, my fourth grade teacher said to me. I thought that was just plain mean.
I didn’t know why she wanted to tell the whole class I looked like a duck.
Ducks waddle. Their feet are huge, and their butts stick out when they walk.
When I got home from school that day, I told my big sister Faye what my teacher
said. She was standing in the bathroom putting on red lipstick, getting ready
for a date. I sat on the edge of the bathtub looking over her shoulder.
“Anna Sue, she meant that you look like a
ballerina.”
“But I don’t dance.”
“Well, you have the legs of a dancer.” She
brushed her short blonde hair and then sprayed it all over with VO5.
“When
are you gonna give me a permanent, Faye?”
“In
a few years. Your hair is too young.” She said, leaning closer to the mirror,
inspecting her lips, rubbing them against each other, then puckering up as if
she were kissing an invisible man.
“You have to get the curse first.” She added.
“But I don’t wanna get it.” I knew what
she meant. The blood. I’d seen the rags soaking in the wash pan, once a month.
Three sets.
“You can’t stop it. And it’s what makes
your chest grow.” She put her hands in front of her small breasts and pulled
them away from her body like she was an expanding balloon.
I have two big sisters. Faye, who just
graduated from beauty school, is my favorite. She’s the oldest and she’s bossy,
but in a good way. Melba, is only five and a half years older than me, but she acts
like my mother. She wants everything clean, all the time. “Put your shoes on
Anna Sue. Brush your hair Anna Sue. Go sweep off the porch Anna Sue.” She says
all this while sitting at our small kitchen table thumbing through the Sears
Catalog.
Now about my brothers. Sidney, I call him Sid, is four years
older than me. He's always in the woods. Tom is almost my twin. We both have “Indian cheekbones” and dark
skin. Plus, we were both born in 1936. They drive me crazy most of the time.
But sometimes my brother Tom and I have fun playing in the creek. He likes to
catch crawfish and black spring lizards with his bare hands. I don’t really
like to hold slimy things. I like to sit on a big rock that’s half covered in soft green moss and
look at the water moving by. I imagine where it’s going. Maybe to Atlanta, or
Florida. I’m goin to Florida one day.
My life isn’t pretty and shiny like a lot
of peoples. We don’t have a car or TV. My mamma says it’s because daddy’s sick.
He stays in the bed most of the time. He says his head hurts a lot. My mamma works
at the cotton mill in Whitehall. She makes baby clothes. I love it when she
brings home buttons. I like to string them on a piece of thread and make a
spinner. I twirl it around real fast and it winds up. Then I pull the string on
both ends and it unwinds.
When mamma came home from work last night
she was crying. She sat down at the kitchen table, put butter on a cold, hard
biscuit and then started wiping her nose. I had fallen asleep in the rocking
chair listening to the radio. She didn’t know I was lookin at her.
2
Last Saturday morning, that’s my favorite
day of the week, I woke up the same time as my mamma. I smelled the bacon
cookin. She only cooks that on Saturdays. Sometimes we have sausage, but I like
bacon the best. I love wakin up to that smoky sweet smell. I was layin in bed
next to Faye when the smell hit my nose. We sleep together in a double bed.
Faye used to sleep on the couch, and Melba slept with me. But Faye’s boyfriend
started sneaking over. They got caught kissing on the porch, so now Melba
sleeps on the couch. Everybody knows that there ain’t a boy gonna come over and
try to kiss Melba. For one, she’s too mean. And secondly, she swears boys are
evil.
“They make you do bad things.” When she
says this Faye just rolls her eyes.
“You just hadn’t met your match yet,
Melba. You’ll change your mind.” Faye says, swinging her hips as she walks
across the room, pointing her finger in the air.
I’m glad about the new sleeping
arrangement cause Melba sleeps with her knees up. I hate that cause they fall
over in the middle of the night, like a tree fallin in the woods. It wakes me
up but Melba sleeps through it.
Faye doesn’t move in her sleep. Last
Saturday, when the bacon woke me up, I looked at Faye for a long time before I
got up, probably 5 minutes, studying her hair. Not one piece was out of place.
I touched it with my fingertips, and it felt like stiff hay. It sure looked
pretty though. Faye brushes my hair before we go to bed every night, which is
another reason I love her. She tries hard to teach me about beauty.
When I got to the kitchen, my mamma was
scooping flour out of wooden bin and putting into her sifter.
“Mornin Mamma.”
“Mornin Anna Sue” she held the sifter and
turned the tiny spinning handle without looking up at me.
“That bacon sure smells good. Can I help?”
I said, walkin up to the table where she had flour spread out.
“I suppose. You can cut out the biscuits.
Go get a glass from the cabinet.” She waved her hand in the air, without lookin
up at me.
She
took the flour dough ball out of the bowl and plopped it into the pile of four.
A cloud rose up around her, like a fire had been set under the table. She
pushed the ball down with her fist and mashed it around a few times. She
pressed her lips together as she rolled the dough out with her rollin pin.
“Get your glass Anna Sue.”
“I already did, mamma.” I said, holding up
the glass. She just hadn’t noticed. She seemed to be in another world. I
pressed the glass right I the middle of the flat dough. Then, I cut out 5 more
around it, like petals around a flower.
“Anna Sue, you’re supposed to start on the
top and go across so you don’t waste the dough.”
“I know. But I wanted to make you a
flower. You look sad.”
“I’m not sad, just tired.” She turned away
and coughed on her sleeve. She wiped her hands on her apron.
I
lifted up the 6 biscuits and laid them on the iron skillet.
“Can I put them in the oven?”
“No, you might get burned. The pan his
heavy, you might drop it.” She lifted it up and I saw her arm shake.
“Let me try.” I touched her arm. “Please.”
“Okay, use two hands. And put the biscuits
in the middle, they’ll burn if you put them on the bottom.”
She
scooped up the remaining dough and rolled it into a small ball, split it in two
and put them on another small sheet and put them in the oven beside the other
ones.
“Are we going for a walk today?
“If ya’ll get your chores done. We’ll go
about 4 o’clock. It’ll be cooler then and the mosquitos won’t be out yet. Now
go sweep your floor and wake up Faye, she needs to start the washing.” She
looked out the window at the drooping clothes line.
“Where are we gonna walk?” My question
seemed to pull her back to me from some faraway place.
“Over behind the cemetery.”
I grabbed the straw broom and headed to my
room. Faye was still sound asleep. The sunlight was coming through our window
through the curtains mamma made out of the new flour sacks. They were blue and
green. The curtains sagged in the middle. She used the same fabric to make me a
dress last spring. For curtains, it wasn’t too bad. The loose weave let the
light come through and gave the room a soft glow. As a dress, it made me look
yellow. Lots of girls in my school had the same fabric, but next to their
creamy peach skin, it looked beautiful. My olive
skin, as Faye called it, that’s what she learned in beauty school, didn’t
go well with green. “Too much green.” She instructed me.
“You need reds, deep blues, rich burgundy
Anna Sue.”
“Well tell mamma that, she’s the one that makes
my dresses.”
“I’ll tell her, but you know she won’t
listen. When I get a job at a hair salon, I’m gonna buy you a dress from Sears
and Roebuck.” I knew she would. That was a couple of years ago, and I was
holding on to that promise.
I didn’t mind some of the home-made
dresses. If’ I’d never seen a store bought dress, I don’t think I’dve cared.
There were only a few of girls at my school that had the store bought ones. Leslie
Ann Barnett wore a new one each week. And ribbons in her hair to match each
one. She headed up the store-bought dress group. Then there were us, the
home-made dress girls. And last, there were overall
girls. If you didn’t have a dress, then you might as well cross off any
hope for a future
“Faye, mamma says you gotta get up and
start the wash.” I patted her cheek and she opened one eye. I went to work
sweeping our floor, and noticed a few rat droppings in the corner.
“Get up Faye. Biscuits are ready. I helped
make em. Come on.” I pulled the sheet off her shoulders and she swatted my
behind as I darted out of the room.
“All done.” I announced as I came back to
the kitchen. Mamma was buttering the biscuits and put one a saucer for me.
“Honey or jelly?”
Why did she always ask me? I’ve asked for
honey my whole life. Unless we had blackberry jelly. I guess being kid number 5
meant you always had to remind your mamma what you liked.
“Honey. Do we still have clover honey?” I
glanced on the shelf and saw the jelly jar was almost empty.
“Yes, I got a new jar yesterday.” Mamma
opened the quart jar of honey and dipped a wooden spoon down in it, she
drizzled it on my biscuit and then put a little pool of it on my saucer. I
wondered if you could swim in honey. A few flies buzzed around my head, and I
swatted them with the rolling pin. I missed them, but they must have gotten the
message not to mess with my honey, cause they disappeared.
“Be right back Anna Sue, I’m going out to
check the chickens.” Mamma said as she went out the back. The screen door
slammed shut behind her.
I
stacked my fists on top of each other, and rested my head on them. I
stared down at my biscuit covered in butter and honey. I touched my finger tip
to the honey and put it on the tip of my tongue. I closed my eyes and savored the
flavor. I didn’t want start eating my biscuit, because I wanted it to last
forever. But after a couple of minutes, I couldn’t wait any more, plus, I
thought the flies my come back. When I
bit into the warm sweet, fluffy bread, I rolled it around in my mouth, with my
eyes closed. This helped me taste it
better. I decided right then that heaven would definitely have a table full of warm
biscuits drenched in butter.
I heard the wood floor creak and thought
my daddy must be getting out of bed.
“Give me that!” Melba said, snatching the
biscuit right out of my hand, sending crumbs to the floor. I hovered over the
other half, covering it like it was a baby needing protection from a swooping
buzzard.
“Get your own!” I stated, feeling my
stomach tighten around the little piece of heaven.
Then
I heard a boom. It sounded like a large rock dropping on the floor. “Mamma!” I
heard Faye’s voice.
“Mamma, come quick!” Faye hollered again.
I
got up from the table and headed to see what was wrong.
Faye sat on the floor beside daddy in his
bedroom. He was folded up on his side, right next to his bed. She was rubbing
his back and yelling.
“Daddy, daddy. Get up daddy!” I saw drool
coming out of his mouth and the skin on his face sagged down almost touching
the floor. I saw that his pant legs were wet and there was a strong odor, like
the one coming from the hog pen, pushing into my face. He didn’t move. Faye
rolled him on his back and tried to open his eyes with her fingers. She slapped
his face with the back of her hand but he didn’t flinch. Melba was standing
behind me, but ran out of the room when daddy didn’t move.
“Go get Mamma!” Faye looked up at me.
I ran through the kitchen and out the back
door.
“Mamma, come quick. Daddy fell. He won’t
wake up.” I said while running towards the chicken pen. I saw her bent over,
and as she stood up, she dropped the basket of eggs.
3
She looked past me, walked out of the
chicken coop, cupped her hands around her mouth and directed her voice towards
the woods.
“Sidney!
Sidney Reese! Siiiidney!” She turned to me, “Go to Nell Smith’s house and call Dr. Veal.
Tell him to come quick!” Then she turned away from me and called for my
brother, “Siiiiidney!”
I stood watching her repeat this over and
over again. My mother had just asked me to do something. But I couldn’t move my
legs. I was the baby, the youngest, and while I had longed to be given some
responsibility, at that moment, what she was trying to hand me was just too
heavy. I stood waiting, hoping to hear Sidney call back to her. But, there was
no reply from the woods.
I stood by the door, waiting for
something, I just wasn’t sure what. Maybe just to see my mother’s face. My mother
took a couple of steps and put her hand on the post of the chicken coop. She
leaned over, holding her stomach, and began to vomit.
I’d never seen my mother throw-up. It
scared me. I went back inside to tell Faye that mamma was getting sick. Before
I could utter a word, the front door opened. It was my brother Tom. He was
muddy from head to toe and disregarded the rule about leaving dirty clothes on
the front porch.
“What’s wrong?” He said. I’m guessing he
saw the look of panic on my face.
“It’s daddy. He’s fallen. And Mamma’s
throwing up on the chicken coop. We gotta call the doctor. Where’s Sidney?”
“He’s still in the woods, trying to catch
the rabbit he hit with his sling shot.” He said, rubbing the front of his
overalls, in a pointless effort to brush off the dirt.
“Well somebody needs to get the doctor!” I
hollered, at no one in particular. “Come on Tom. Let’s go.” I pushed past him
and grabbed my shoes laying on the porch, I sat down and slipped them on,
ignoring the laces. Tom grabbed my hand to help me up and we started running
together.
I
started down our dirt driveway towards the road. Nell’s house was only a mile
away if we took the road. Tom still had hold of my hand and jerked me as we
approached a trail in the woods. “Come on, it’s faster this way.” (This would
cut the trip half.)
“What’s wrong with daddy?” Tom asked as we
entered the woods.
“I’m not sure. He fell. He’s drooling.
Faye slapped his cheeks but he wouldn’t wake up.”
“That’s happened before, you know.” He
said, lifting up a branch and holding it while I went underneath it.
“Well, I think he messed on himself, too.”
A briar caught my shirt and arm, but I ran on through it. I heard a ripping
sound, and felt my collar flapping against
my arm.
“That’s bad.” Tom said, in a serious tone.
My
heart sank when he said that. I knew it was bad, but hearing Tom say it caused
my blood to freeze in my feet. I felt a jolt of electricity enter my body, and
I ran full out, past Tom, who I’d never out run in my whole life. I didn’t look
behind me to see if he was keeping up. I could hear branches crunching and his
breathing was hard, so I knew he was close behind.
The edge of the woods was coming into
view, along with Nell’s shiny black car that reflected the sunlight and nearly
blinded me. I flew up on her porch and banged on the screen door. Tom stood
beside me, holding his side, gasping for air.
“Anna Sue, I didn’t know you could run
like that.” He said, bent over.
“Me either.”
Nell
came to the door holding a cup of coffee, dressed like she was headed to church
or a women’s meeting.
“Well Anna Sue, what happened to you?” She
said, touching my collar.
“We need the doctor. Can we use your
phone? Daddy’s real sick, I think.”
“Of course, come on in. Ya’ll sit down. I’ll
call him for you.” She motioned for us to sit on her couch. Everything in her
house was so pretty and shiny. I noticed the mirror hanging opposite us and my reflection
in it. My hair was going nineteen different directions, there was a streak of
blood running down my arm, and my sleeve was torn, exposing my shoulder. Tom stayed
by the front door.
She walked into her kitchen and I
overheard her voice.
“Dr. Veal. It’s Nell. Weyman Ward is, she paused here, apparently, in a bad
way this morning. Anna Sue and Thomas are here. Their mamma told them to call
you.” She paused, then I heard, “Yes, uh huh, yes, I know. I’ll drive them back
over. Yes, I’ll tell Hester you are on the way. Yes, I can make him some
coffee.” I heard the phone hit the receiver.
“Come
on you two.” Nell said, grabbing her bag. She went back to the kitchen and
grabbed a brown paper sack. “Ya’ll have coffee at your house?”
“No ma’am. We don’t.” I stood up and
walked out of the house in front of her.
Tom
frowned at me, then pulled my shirt back up on my shoulder.
She opened the front door to her car and
said, “Ya’ll hop in the back, Tom, try not to get it too muddy.”
We rode in stiff silence back to my house.
Nell was a good neighbor to us, always stopping by Sunday afternoons to bring
us a cake, of some type, that she made for church. Since her husband died last
year, she’d make food for church, but then would bring it to our house. She’d
say, “I walked out the door and plumb forgot this cake, or roast, or chicken…”or
whatever she’d cooked. At first, I believed her, but after a few weeks, I decided
that she forgot on purpose. After she set the food on our table, her and mamma
would go sit on the front porch and talk. I heard her say to Mamma many times, “Just
keep praying Hester. It’ll get better. The Good Lord is watchin over you and
these kids.”
We pulled up to our house, and Nell calmly
got out of the car.
“Why don’t you two stay outside and I’ll
go check on your daddy.” Tom and I looked at each other. “Yes ma’am.” We said
in unison.
We got out and went up on the porch. I
paced back and forth and Tom sat on the front step. Neither of us said a word.
I felt my throat get tight and my face was wet before long. Tears were running
out of my eyes and I couldn’t stop them. Usually, I could hold back my tears. But
this time, that wasn’t even a possibility. I heard Nells’ voice, kinda muffled,
and then Faye’s. Tom walked off the porch and headed to the back.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m not sitting here waiting to find out
if my daddy’s dead or alive.”
That
was it. That was the reason I couldn’t stop crying. My daddy was old. I think
he was 60. Really, he looked older than that. And the possibility that he was
dying or already dead made me shake all over.
